ionic: ((tcr) banana fish)
[personal profile] ionic
I hate everything. This resulted in my roommate encouraging me to badfic like crazy. THis also just kind of changed into like, drunk fic. Hiiiiiiiiiiiii. 100 Proof Espresso Vodka is some good stuff.



Charles Xavier wasn't the tallest of men, but make no mistake, he was pretty fucking tall. This was thanks to his secondary mutation, which provided a growth spurt on his twenty-fifth/thirty-first (depending on whether or not one believed he was 12 in 1944) birthday.

Erik was mightily impressed.

"Gut Geburtstag, Geburtstagkerl*," Erik said, because, as a Holocaust survivor, he had no issues slipping casual, Google-translated, German into his everyday conversations.

AND THEN THEY BANGED.

(*I didn't actually Google translate, I just tried to make it as appallingly bad as possible, and was told I succeeded.)



Erik was really depressed, because even though he was standing on a milk crate, he wasn't tall enough to change the curtains. FORTUNATELY, Charles found him right when Erik was about to cry a manly tear of manpain (because obviously, Erik cries over EVERYTHING), and because Charles was just so amazingly tall now, Charles took care of the curtain dilemma, no problem.

And then they banged.



NOT A SONG FIC I PROMISE, because only my roommate is allowed to write all the songfic. Most of the words for this one belong to Pitbull. For the first four sentences anyway.

It was one a.m. and Charles just got to the club.
Two a.m. he was drinking it up.
Three a.m. he was doing the robot, or some geeky shit.
Four a.m. he was ready to fuck (Erik).



Charles had arrived at the club about an hour ago. It was two a.m. and he had claimed a spot at the bar. Not that alcohol really did anything to cloud his mind, or his judgement, but it gave everything a warm, pleasant tinge and lowered already pretty low inhibitions. This wasn’t his usual venue, but he was glad that he had taken the chance on the change of scenery. He was rather charmed by the moody bartender - Erik, his mind supplied helpfully, though Charles hadn’t asked yet - who was thinking more about Kierkegaard than the Sex on the Beach he was mixing.

Erik had sharp angles, physically and mentally, which Charles found quite attractive.

Once Erik had given the drink and a glare to the giggling co-ed who hurried back to her group of friends, Charles caught Erik’s gaze to draw him over. “Another shot, please,” Charles said.

Erik eyed Charles, assessing his build versus his current rate of alcohol consumption. “That’s your third in the past twenty minutes,” Erik said.

“And I can have three more before you need to worry, darling,” Charles said. “Would you like me to give you a brief overview of mutagenesis as proof of my mental clarity?”

“That’s quite all right,” Erik said, pouring the drink for Charles and adding it to his tab.

“It’s a very important concept,” Charles said.

“With which I am already reasonably familiar,” Erik said.

Charles did some surface shuffling through Erik’s mind, enough to find out he was telling the truth. “You are! How wonderful,” Charles enthused.

Erik made a noncommittal sound. Charles was still rather focused on Erik and picked up the stray thought of flattering, were he not so easily impressed. “I’m really not. Easily impressed, that is,” Charles said. “I’m easy in other ways.”

Erik rolled his eyes and went back to providing alcohol to the masses, but Charles was patient, and like the honey badger, he always got what he wanted.

Charles gave his best rakish grin when he had Erik’s attention once more. “You have very nice genes. If I buy you a drink, can I get in them?”

Erik snorted. “I don’t drink while on the job.”

“That’s very professional of you,” Charles said.

“I get off at four,” Erik said.

Charles smiled wide. “I bet you will.”





The car broke down a few miles outside Flattown, Flat State, USA. Erik forgot how to do the magnets—and it's not like cars in the 60s were composed of much metal ANYWAY, being all, plastic and futuristic and shit, because in this world there are MOON CARS—so it was, alas, not an easy fix.

"What do we do now?" Charles asked.

"You could try to lure in a car," Erik said, "with your lady features. I may have seen it in a movie." He couldn't remember for sure, because I can't remember if that trope was in movies that pre-dated 1962, and since this is fic, I don't have to research it (killing my soul, one piece at a time). Erik totally watched many, many films whilst hunting Nazis.

"I don't have lady features," Charles protested.

"But you are very pretty," Erik said.

"Yes, that's true," Charles agreed, "but I'm not built—" he made a descriptive hand gesture to indicate boobs, "like that."

"Perhaps not, but you're the girl, since you're shorter, and obviously one of us has to be the girl, and it isn't me," Erik said flatly.

"Right, and not because of the times—it is the homosexually liberal era of 1962—but because our love is so special neither of us is gay, despite enjoying cock, we just love each other," Charles said, going into unnecessary exposition mode.

"Exactly. We had to get used to having all of that weird and awkward sex," Erik said.

"Penises are hilarious. I never understood how they worked, having never encountered one in the wild before yours. It's been quite the learning experience," Charles said.

"Do you want to just fuck in the backseat of this MOON CAR until someone drives by? That can't possibly end badly," Erik said.

"Erik! Don't you remember why we were in such a hurry to get to Flattown?" Charles exclaimed, scandalized.

"Yes, but since you're still being expository, I'll go with no," Erik said.

"We're out of condoms! You know how it is being mutants and the automatic risk of assbabies that comes along with that. I can't get pregnant! It will ruin me," Charles said.

"By ruin do you mean you'll become a bad charicature of yourself, offensive to both pregnant women and homosexual men everywhere?" Erik asked.

"You know that's exactly what I mean," Charles said, frowning at him. "I have the rights to exposition. Don't spoil this for me, too."



i went outside mutants and wrote Twitter fic for [livejournal.com profile] withlightning ♥♥ who is wonderful and yes. ♥



"I want to become a badass father fucker," Matt declared.

"Lucky for you, I have a kid," John said, smirkily.

"Should I call you Daddy?" Matt asked, saucily.

"Maybe, baby," John said. And then they banged.



"Dean. Dean," Castiel said urgently.

"Huh? What is it?" Dean asked, bleary from sleep.

"I was watching this very important documentary on clown fish. I believe they found Nemo."

"What are you—you woke me up for that?" Dean asked, appalled.

"No, no. I gathered from this film that I should call you my squishy. And hug you," Castiel said earnestly.

"I will let you do one of those things," Dean said.

"Okay. My squishy?" Castiel said, frowning.

"Oh for the love of—"

And then they cuddled.



"Did you make up stories about yourself?" Sam asked, quickly clarified, "As Loki, I mean."

"Sammy, is this your way of asking if I gave birth to an eight-legged horse?" Gabriel asked, amused.

"What?! No, no—dude, that isn't where my mind first went. I meant all the other things," Sam said.

"So... if I gave birth to a wolf?" Gabriel teased.

"Just forget it," Sam said.

Then they banged. Maybe.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-03 05:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] afrocurl.livejournal.com
Are we all playing in this game? Like can I add to teh bad fic?

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-03 05:18 am (UTC)
ext_11663: by flyingmachine on LJ (Default)
From: [identity profile] chiasmus.livejournal.com
Hahaha, yes, by all means. :)

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-03 05:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] afrocurl.livejournal.com
Oh good.


Also, the typo in my first comment was intentional. It happens when I go bad.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-03 05:29 am (UTC)
ext_11663: by flyingmachine on LJ (Default)
From: [identity profile] chiasmus.livejournal.com
hahaha that's okay, i am progressing towards like, acutalfx not sober.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-03 05:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] afrocurl.livejournal.com
Raven knew that the hours after dinner were time for everyone to leave the house.

She pushed everything out, trying to protect everyone from everything.

It was only when the car was well out of Charles' range that she let out a sign of relief.

Letting Charles and Erik work it out saved everyone.

Especially if she didn't have to know the mechanics of how they got their jollies.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-03 05:53 am (UTC)
ext_11663: by flyingmachine on LJ ((xfc) make this go on)
From: [identity profile] chiasmus.livejournal.com
that's okay, bad fic is hard. i keep wanting to set myself on fire for one of the ons i'm writing.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-03 05:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] afrocurl.livejournal.com
If I weren't so tired it would be worse. But maybe tomorrow.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-03 06:03 am (UTC)
ext_11663: by flyingmachine on LJ (Default)
From: [identity profile] chiasmus.livejournal.com
Yeahs, rest can help. I mean, I slept a lot, i'M just veering towards tipsy.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-03 06:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jolinar.livejournal.com
I'M SORRY BUT I KIND OF WANT MORE OF BARTENDER!ERIK FIC. LIKE, A LOT MORE.

AND AND AND... ASSBABIES. Yeah, that's me on the floor wheezing in laughter.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-03 08:12 am (UTC)
ext_11663: by flyingmachine on LJ ((xfc) make this go on)
From: [identity profile] chiasmus.livejournal.com
Okay—okay, I am like, drunk now and proceeding to sleepy, but if I can like, sober channel him I will, or just hope that someone else writes bartender!Erik fic.

AND I'M GLAD YOU'RE LAUGHING NOT LIKE, WANTING TO PUNCH ME. :D :D

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-03 07:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] avertuneiro.livejournal.com
As long as they banged, fangirls should be pleased with the results.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-03 07:49 am (UTC)
ext_11663: by flyingmachine on LJ ((ff7) kadaj & yazoo - brain break)
From: [identity profile] chiasmus.livejournal.com
I know, I know right? I made sure to mostly end with banging, as i could.

I would wrie you a Twitter fic, if you had a Twitter. :O

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-03 07:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] avertuneiro.livejournal.com
lol >> I'm so terribly horrible at keeping up with social sites as it is. Barely check my FB to the point people are constantly asking where I'm at on my wall and I'm just near the point of not checking my G+ at all. LJ/DW seem to be the only two I can manage to check regularly atm xD

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-03 08:06 am (UTC)
ext_11663: by flyingmachine on LJ (Default)
From: [identity profile] chiasmus.livejournal.com
hahaha no that's fine. i like, spam twitter when i'm bored at work and stuff. XD

OKAY. I am going to like, comment fifc something.



"Why are you giving me a lampshade?" Rude asked.

"It's for your disguise," Reno said.

"From a lamp," Rude said.

"Yes," Reno said, grinning. "We have to infiltrate Wutai after all."

Rude sighed, but he put the lampshade on his head.

"They'll never suspect you now!" Reno enthused. "Let's go."

"You're not disguised," Rude said, eyes narrowed.

"Yeah, I am, I'm accompanying the creepy dude with the lampshade on his head."

"..."

Then later Reno banged Rufus and Rude was like, cute at Tifa or something. (I think these are your pairing preferences? Maybe? IF NOT IM SORRY.)

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-03 08:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] avertuneiro.livejournal.com
Oh my god. LOLOL. You just made me laugh out loud. And yes, those are my pairing prefs xDD Thank you for making Reno bang Rufus and Rude being cute at Tifa.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-03 08:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] withlightning.livejournal.com
Image

YOU HAVE A WHOLE POST OF THESE! ajfhdfjhd;dkjdffsdkj!

It was one a.m. and Charles just got to the club.
Two a.m. he was drinking it up.
Three a.m. he was doing the robot, or some geeky shit.
Four a.m. he was ready to fuck (Erik).


I cannot even. Also - despite all the horribleness of these, I find them COOL. What does that tell you about me? /yes, i'm still biased


Here, have a "pretty boy McAvoy knowing exactly how pretty he is and not afraid to show it" as a reward for all these amazing things.

Image

YOU ARE LOVED.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-03 07:02 pm (UTC)
ext_11663: by flyingmachine on LJ ((xfc) good times)
From: [identity profile] chiasmus.livejournal.com
Hahahaha, I was talking/ranting to my roommate about stuff that made me angry while we were both tipsy and so stuff kept happening. Then you were awake and on Twitter! :D :D

I think it tells me that we get along exceedingly well. :D :D

MCAVOY, YOUR FACE. I just want to stare at it.

♥♥!

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-03 11:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sharona1x2.livejournal.com
Thanks for the Cas/Dean part! I got a nice chuckle out of that, which is a great way to start a Friday morning. I also liked the Reno/Rude comment fic. I'm not hugely into FF, but I do enjoy those two together. :-)

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-03 12:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] papercutperfect.livejournal.com
Charles was patient, and like the honey badger, he always got what he wanted.

I lol'd and lol'd hard. These were absolutely hilarious <3

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-03 01:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pearl-o.livejournal.com
Charles was patient, and like the honey badger, he always got what he wanted.

JUST BEAUTIFUL

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-03 02:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pocky_slash.livejournal.com
It's morning now, but what the hell!

***

"Oh, Erik," said Charles, tears glittering in his sapphire eyes, "I love you so much! I've never felt this way about another man!"

"That's okay, Charles," Erik says. "I've been in many homosexual couplings. Or, at least, I've read about some on the internet. Either way, I'll guide your sensitive ass-virgin self through this with my ~*superior knowledge*~."

"What's an internet?" Charles asks.

"Hell if I know," Erik says. "Okay, rule one--we're not really gay, we're just so strongly drawn to each other that we don't know how to process it other than buttsex."

Charles pulls out a notepad and scribbles that down. "Okay," he says. "Next?"

"Next we need to establish which of us is on the top and which of us is on the bottom," Erik says. "This only applies to buttsex and people really want to know. Now, since I'm taller and more aggressive and manly, that means I automatically top."

"But isn't it kind of offensive to equate 'manliness' with the act of penetration, as if someone who enjoys being penetrated is somehow worth less?" Charles asks. "Also, why all of this focus on anal sex? What about the myriad other ways for two men to have sex? I mean, I assume there are some. I wouldn't know. Having never felt this way about another man. Et cetera."

"No no no," Erik says. "God, it's like you've never been on the internet. Anal sex is the only important sex act! Because it involves trust. Putting your dick in another guy's mouth? No trust involved in that at all, anyone can suck cock, but only the manly dudes can fuck another dude in the butt. Are you taking notes?"

"Yes," Charles says. "But I'm still a little concerned about--well, isn't this just projecting heteronormative standards on a homosexual relationship?"

"Shut your whore mouth," Erik says. "This is way it goes. Who's done this before, Weepy McCrysalot?"

"Excuse me, you cried way more than me in that movie!" Charles says.

Erik ignores him.

"Anyway, so, I'm obviously on the top and you're on the bottom. And anal sex is the only important sex. Nothing else really counts," Erik says. "Also, you can get pregnant."

"What?" Charles sputters.

"And when you get pregnant, you lose all reason and characterization," Erik says. "There's a factor in male pregnancy that's carried on the Y chromosome that puts the pregnant dude roughly on par with a hysterical thirteen year old girl. You'll cry a lot. Well. More--"

"YOU WERE THE ONE CRYING ALL THE TIME."

"--and spend a lot of time dramatically having concern for your unborn child. Nothing else will matter--not your job, your ideals, your interests--your entire world will revolve around your unborn child."

Charles looked vaguely green.

"Anyway," Erik says, "blah blah blah, I stick it in you, we both cry when we come and talk about how no one in the world has ever made us feel this way, especially not women because who would ever find a woman fulfilling, a woman could never complete us like we complete each other, et cetera, et cetera. Tomorrow morning, we go downstairs and all the kids will congratulate us because we're apparently too stupid to have quiet sex in a house full of teenagers."

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-03 02:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pocky_slash.livejournal.com
"Aren't the kids going to object to our homosexual relationship?" Charles asks. "I mean, it is 1962 and homosexuality is considered a disease. I can see maybe Raven being okay with it, since she's my sister and can probably see a parallel to her own issues with identity, but what about the others?"

"Hank and Alex are secretly in love, obviously," Erik says.

"How do you figure that?" Charles asks. "I mean, if anything, I would have assumed Alex and Darwin given their moment of silent communication and unprovoked touching."

"Hank's more attractive," Erik says.

"Don't you mean whi--"

"More attractive! Erik repeats. "They have chemistry. You know. Fighting a lot chemistry."

"Are you sure this isn't because Darwin's bla--"

"CHEMISTRY!" Erik shouts.

Charles rolls his eyes and stays quiet.

"Anyway, everyone will congratulate us and then we'll live a perfect happy life together, the end," Erik says. "Now. Let me put my dick in you."

Charles backs away slowly. "I think... I'm going to go have some tea and do a crossword with Moira," he says.

"Noooooo!" Erik says. "Not the COCKBLOCK!"

Charles blinks.

"That time we were going to have sex!" Erik says. "And she stopped us?"

"This is the first time we've tried to have sex," Charles says. "And I'm stopping it. Because this is creepy as fuck, sorry to say."

"BUT I'VE ALREADY PICKED OUT THE NAMES OF OUR CHILDREN!" Erik sobs.

"Um..." Charles backs out of the room more quickly. "That's... nice. I'm going to...go."

And then he runs from the room as quickly as possible. And that's why the beach divorce happens. The end.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-03 02:10 pm (UTC)
such_heights: amy and rory looking at a pile of post (Default)
From: [personal profile] such_heights
AHAHAHA, OH MY GOD. GOOD JOB. *hands you an internet*

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-03 03:29 pm (UTC)
ext_11663: by flyingmachine on LJ ((xfc) erik - good parenting)
From: [identity profile] chiasmus.livejournal.com
Hahahaha. Accurate. Oh Weepy McCrysalot.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-03 03:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bessiemaemucho.livejournal.com
I don't understand why Charles is so upset by Erik's romantic overtures. I guess he's just hysterical over fear of pregnancy?

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-03 04:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pocky_slash.livejournal.com
You know how those bottoms get. "Oh, I'm not pretty enough, oh, I won't be a good enough dad, oh, how does the baby even come out of me do I puke it up or something?" I'm sure Erik will use his aggressive, manly ways to talk some sense into him.

(Phrase I legitimately tried to fit into this fic, "Shut your mouth or I'll shut it with my dick." I went with "shut your whore mouth" instead.)

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-03 04:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] afrocurl.livejournal.com
THANK YOU KAIT!

No, really. So many bad cliches. So little time to really mock them all thoroughly.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-04 09:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] disbelief11.livejournal.com
Oh fuck, I think you broke me by making me laugh so damn hard. You are the bestest.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-03 03:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bessiemaemucho.livejournal.com
I'm reasonably sure you could post those on fanfiction.net and get tons of great reviews. Like this one! OMG SO CUTE, ERIK IS SUCH A GREAT TOP!!

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-05 04:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sonicbookmark.livejournal.com
Every fanfic should always end with "and then they banged."

EVERY FANFIC.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-05 09:11 pm (UTC)
ext_11663: by flyingmachine on LJ ((spn) dean - omnom)
From: [identity profile] chiasmus.livejournal.com
Seriously! Then there is no doubt about what happens after the story (because there is always banging).

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